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BEGGING FOR LOVE/ the full version 2009

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Begging For Love-Comments

Post by Mohamed LAHRI on Fri Dec 18, 2009 5:46 am

Dear brother,
I'd like first to congratulate you for your talent in creative writing. I really enjoyed reading the story, and I hope that it would be the beggining of a great writer like you.

As a reader, I would be pleased to contribute with some remarks that I think you would benefit from. In the second line of the first paragraph, you used the phrase "a plenty of money"; I think that it would be appropriate to use "some" instead of it. My second remark is about the use of the simple present in the first lines of the second paragraph(Though his stomach IS usually full, Bilal still FEELS...often PROVOKES him), the seventh and the ninth lines of the forth paragraph(his little miserable face IS enough to tear people's eyes...and urgently CALLS for nurture) and the last line of the seventh paragraph (the girl felt she IS being chased.). As a story teller, you should rather use, as you did with most of the verbs in the story, the simple past tense. I wonder if your aim was to highlight on the idea that "stative verbs" should be used in the simple present tense, but still I say, with reference to my modest understanding of grammar, that the simple past tense would be appropriate and still it conveys the idea of "state" in the past. More than that, narrating a story means reporting it;the latter requires following certain steps such as the use of the past tense.Whereas I agree with you when you used the simple present in the fifth paragraph, forth line,(for it IS the missing hope one needs to feel ok.) because it is the fact of every human. Another point in favour, is the use of a semicolon in the fifth line of the fourth paragrapgh (Half an hour after the Imam finished the prayer; the boy took off his hat...). The first part of the sentence cannot be independent- that is, it cannot stand by itself, so you should rather use a comma instead. I hope, with my little background of English, that my points are clear enough and useful, too.

Best regards

PS: There are some slips of the hand that I hope you're going to correct them. And keep in mind, "reading the story again and again helps us find missing things.".

Mohamed LAHRI

Number of posts : 35
Location : Morocco
Points : 14
Reputation : 2
Registration date : 2008-09-23

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Feedback on Lahri's Critical Reading

Post by OULGOUT Abdelouahed on Fri Dec 18, 2009 12:58 pm

Dear reader,
Thank you very much for the critical notes you provided me with. I really miss such critical contributions, and I hope to read some more about other posts and topics. Let me, after all, congratulate you for being our first 4truth speacial user. Please keep in touch and buckle down to help us promote and ameleorate this forum.
Well, let me inform you that I'm still editing the story, and I have a modified vesrion in my laptop. In fact, I am working to turn the story into a novel in terms of volume and plot. I also gave the story to one of the first English Moroccan Novelists (Mr. Abdelkeder Hammouchi, the author of ''Creeds and Weeds'') for profreading. All this means that the story has not yet ended, but it is still in progress.

As for your repectful remarks, there are points I share with you, and others which I may disagree with.

- As for the use of the present simple of ''to be'' in the lines in question, my rationale is as you mentioned. I did so to emphasize that those verbs are facts and states specific to that miserable character. I was quite aware of this while writing and editing, and I advocated the use of simple present when still in between. As for the phrase''the girl felt she IS being chased'', the verb ''to be'' here is not in the real present, for it is preceeded and situated under the simple past UMBRELLA of the verb ''felt''. Mr. Hammouchi, too, suggested using the past form to maintain harmony as far as the narrative tense is concerned, yet I still prefer the present simple in scuh specific situations for the previous reason.

- There is no harm in using ''plenty'' rather than ''some'' because both terms modify both countable and uncountable nouns. the mistake in the phrase '' ...a plenty of money...'', as Mr. Hammouchi drew my attention to, is the indefinite article ''a''. He said there is no need of using it.

- As for the use of the semicolon in the sentence ''Half an hour after the Imam finished the prayer; the boy took off his hat'', it's quite clear that comma is the right choice: that was a slip of a pen and was corrected in the modified version.
Thank you again for your nice and interesting feedback
OULGOUT Abdelouahed
OULGOUT Abdelouahed

Number of posts : 112
Birthday : 1984-06-28
Age : 34
Location : Morocco
Job/hobbies : public speaking, poetry, philosophy
Points : 171
Reputation : 6
Registration date : 2008-09-19

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